I’ve written a couple of blogs about Christmas memories. One was from my childhood, another was from my children’s early holiday celebrations. I know the holidays can be a difficult time for folks, so it occurred to me that I should share holiday memories that were painful, but educational experiences.
I married young. I was 18 years and four weeks old when I said “I do” to John. After 26 years of marriage we decided to call it quits. This made the holidays a bit awkward. John is an excellent cook and we hosted both Thanksgiving and Christmas feasts. At times this family burden annoyed me, but I was younger and grouchier then.
To make matters worse, after the divorce I did not volunteer to continue to host theses family events. I figured someone else could take on the time-consuming and financial burden of feeding the masses. I was struggling financially, I had a long commute, worked at a job I didn’t enjoy (but it paid the bills) and I really dislike cooking. This was a dark time in my life. My family was mad at me for divorcing their favorite chef, my mother was sick, dying and, unbeknownst to me, very angry at me (I’m talking writing me out of the will angry). My oldest daughter was in love and consumed with her new boyfriend (who turned out to be a bigger turkey than the bird on the Thanksgiving table), and my younger daughter was sneaking out of the house at night. I was angry at my family, my lot in life and myself. I did not feel thankful for anything.
So what did you do about Thanksgiving and Christmas you ask?
Rather than dine alone, my siblings made other plans. Most traveled to my sister’s house in California. I’m not sure what John did. He probably cooked for his side of the family. Once you don that Thanksgiving apron folks don’t let you off the hook that easily. I ate at an Applebee’s with my friend Andrea. It was a depressing experience.
For some reason people really want to hook up during the holidays. As a newly single woman I was obsessed with finding love. I promptly fell in love with someone (I’ll call him Larry.) That lasted three months, but I hung onto the notion of winning Larry back for three years. Larry took a new job out of state, but called and asked if he could visit for Christmas. I was ecstatic. However, Larry was not a Christmas-happy type of guy. The stipulation was no holiday feasts, Christmas trees or music. I stupidly agreed. Plus, I was in a grouchy funk and probably didn’t need much convincing. We celebrated by eating take out and renting movies.
I was in such a low and rotten place in my life that I let someone else’s dismal view of the holidays cloud my own. When I suggested a drive to view Christmas lights at the Mormon temple, Larry and I got into a huge fight. I wasn’t asking for a religious conversion, I just wanted to admire the lights. We left in an angry huff.
At any time in this drama I could have made choices to have a happier experience. In retrospect I should have volunteered to feed the hungry at a soup kitchen. Instead I simmered in a pity stew and basted my “poor me” mentality with a sprinkling of remorse and anger.
I tell this story because I don’t want anyone to suffer needlessly. I understand the victim mentality firsthand, so I devote a chapter to it in our book. Here are a few excerpts.
•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!
•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.
•Forgive.
Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.
Years have passed since I starred in my own holiday melodrama. That dismal Thanksgiving and Christmas season were not without merit. They served as a catalyst for a new, more optimistic beginning.
This past Thanksgiving, my spouse, CB and I had a blended family gathering of 28 men, women and children, including my ex husband John (who brought two, homemade pumpkin pies.)
The point is that we cannot change an unpleasant past. But we can choose to not wallow in it. My hope for all of you this holiday season is we will all be able to put sour memories aside, serve up an extra helping of compassion and create happy holiday memories that will be a joy to remember.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Stinky Princess
I was watching my two granddaughters a couple of days ago and four-year-old Rosannah was in a bad mood. It was bed time and I asked her to choose a story for me to read to her and her sister. She asked for a couple of books I did not see. I had a feeling it was a stalling tactic to avoid going to bed so I asked if she wanted me to read from a princess book I had recently given her for her birthday.
“I want the one about the STINKY princess!” she demanded.
I knew there was no such book, so I pulled out the traditional and unscented version and decided to improvise.
While stinky scenarios such as farting, stepping in dog poo and pooping in your pants are the kind of comedy four-year-olds love, no one really wants to hear about that behavior in princesses. These classy royal highnesses have an image to maintain after all. Rosannah quickly opted for the “not stinky princess” edition.
That is not to say that Rosannah won’t laugh at a book that features a farting dog, Pepe le Pew or some other odoriferous character, but in my granddaughter’s eyes (and nose) princesses are sacrosanct from fetid bodily emanations. I’m sure the royal diaper changer has another opinion, but I digress.
Fast forward to last night when I received a call from a man I’ll call George. George called on the guise of giving me information, but basically he wanted to complain. He lamented that he wasn’t seeing the results in his life that he expected and whined about how “nothing” in his life was going well. I reminded him of some of his recent victories and how important it was to build and focus on his successes, show gratitude etc, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. In fact, he was intent on pulling out every negative scenario he could think of and regurgitate it to me. I could tell these stories had been turned into internal movies he played over and over and over again.
Although he said he was unhappy and wanted something better, I suspect his actions to achieve his goals conflicted with his desires. Based on how passionate he was about his tales of woe, I had the feeling he relished in his misery. It made me think of how a dog loves to roll around in poop or some other fetid substance. The difference is the dog doesn’t complain about his smelly circumstances. He WANTS to be stinky. They LOVE that smell. Give a dog a bath, let him run in the backyard and he will seek the stink every time.
If you seek a better way, I can offer a better alternative.
In my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, we discuss a few tips on avoiding rolling around in the mud (or worse.) I dub this stinky self flagellated mindset a victim mentality. It is so common that we devoted a whole chapter to it.
Here are a few tips.
•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!
•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.
•Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.
If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!
•Forgive.
Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness, to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.
In conclusion I ask that you follow my granddaughter’s lead. She could have heard a story about a stinky princess (I already had a plot in mind) but she decided to go with the unscented version. Life isn’t always happily ever after, but if you focus on what’s good in life as opposed to what stinks, it makes more sense (and scents) that you will look, feel and smell a lot better.
“I want the one about the STINKY princess!” she demanded.
I knew there was no such book, so I pulled out the traditional and unscented version and decided to improvise.
While stinky scenarios such as farting, stepping in dog poo and pooping in your pants are the kind of comedy four-year-olds love, no one really wants to hear about that behavior in princesses. These classy royal highnesses have an image to maintain after all. Rosannah quickly opted for the “not stinky princess” edition.
That is not to say that Rosannah won’t laugh at a book that features a farting dog, Pepe le Pew or some other odoriferous character, but in my granddaughter’s eyes (and nose) princesses are sacrosanct from fetid bodily emanations. I’m sure the royal diaper changer has another opinion, but I digress.
Fast forward to last night when I received a call from a man I’ll call George. George called on the guise of giving me information, but basically he wanted to complain. He lamented that he wasn’t seeing the results in his life that he expected and whined about how “nothing” in his life was going well. I reminded him of some of his recent victories and how important it was to build and focus on his successes, show gratitude etc, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. In fact, he was intent on pulling out every negative scenario he could think of and regurgitate it to me. I could tell these stories had been turned into internal movies he played over and over and over again.
Although he said he was unhappy and wanted something better, I suspect his actions to achieve his goals conflicted with his desires. Based on how passionate he was about his tales of woe, I had the feeling he relished in his misery. It made me think of how a dog loves to roll around in poop or some other fetid substance. The difference is the dog doesn’t complain about his smelly circumstances. He WANTS to be stinky. They LOVE that smell. Give a dog a bath, let him run in the backyard and he will seek the stink every time.
If you seek a better way, I can offer a better alternative.
In my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, we discuss a few tips on avoiding rolling around in the mud (or worse.) I dub this stinky self flagellated mindset a victim mentality. It is so common that we devoted a whole chapter to it.
Here are a few tips.
•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!
•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.
•Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.
If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!
•Forgive.
Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness, to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.
In conclusion I ask that you follow my granddaughter’s lead. She could have heard a story about a stinky princess (I already had a plot in mind) but she decided to go with the unscented version. Life isn’t always happily ever after, but if you focus on what’s good in life as opposed to what stinks, it makes more sense (and scents) that you will look, feel and smell a lot better.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Reducing Thanksgiving Drama
Next week is Thanksgiving. Many of us will have the opportunity to dine with family and friends for a special once-a-year meal. Many look forward to this event with anticipation – some with dread. And I confess, in my life I have approached this holiday with both mindsets.
I have seen the confidence of the strongest, most confident men and women become mushier than a bowl of mashed potatoes at the thought of facing the snide comments, comparisons and cruelty that some of our relatives bring to the holiday table.
How ironic that a feast that is supposed to be a celebration of gratitude and harmony can churn out more negativity and drama that a soap opera marathon.
But there is hope. We cannot change other people, but we can work on our own reaction to them. I just posted a short video on you tube on three simple steps on how to erase negativity. It’s not a cure all, but it can help us reduce our own negativity, which in turn can have a ripple effect on others.
Please check out this video and share it with your friends and family. Heck, share it with your enemies too. They probably need it worst of all. You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=208XAm-x3R8&feature=feedu
As an added bonus, I have also made a free electronic copy of our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within available now through Dec. 9, 2011. Please go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/11183 and enter the code VS59K. After Dec. 9 the book will return to its normal cost of $6.99. Paperback copies of the book are available for $12.99 through Amazon, as well as stores throughout the U.S. A partial list of bookstores and retail outlets is available at EraseNegativity.com.
For those of you who are not familiar with the message in the book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within is a practical guide on how to reduce negativity and embrace happiness. From meth addicts to multi-millionaires, the book offers powerful experiences of individuals who have faced dramatic challenges, but did not lose hope. Using these compelling biographies, as well as practical advice and simple exercises, the reader is guided on an internal journey toward adopting a more joyful way to live.
We pay a heavy price for our negativity and I want to combat that with a free tool that provides a more optimistic alternative. I’m really hoping folks will spread the word and use this window of time to read the book and suggest it to others who are interested in embracing a more hopeful message.
So there you have it. No more excuses. Free book, free video. Kick that grouch out now. But lest I come off too brash or too self serving, I do have one last bit of advice for this holiday season. Try to take a moment and find the love in your heart and send those laser beams of love out to those family members around you – especially those who annoy you. While we might not think so now, there will come a time when they are out of our lives and we will miss them. And more importantly, we do not want to miss the opportunity to summon up a little love and shine a little light in the world.
Happy Thanksgiving.
I have seen the confidence of the strongest, most confident men and women become mushier than a bowl of mashed potatoes at the thought of facing the snide comments, comparisons and cruelty that some of our relatives bring to the holiday table.
How ironic that a feast that is supposed to be a celebration of gratitude and harmony can churn out more negativity and drama that a soap opera marathon.
But there is hope. We cannot change other people, but we can work on our own reaction to them. I just posted a short video on you tube on three simple steps on how to erase negativity. It’s not a cure all, but it can help us reduce our own negativity, which in turn can have a ripple effect on others.
Please check out this video and share it with your friends and family. Heck, share it with your enemies too. They probably need it worst of all. You can view it at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=208XAm-x3R8&feature=feedu
As an added bonus, I have also made a free electronic copy of our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within available now through Dec. 9, 2011. Please go to http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/11183 and enter the code VS59K. After Dec. 9 the book will return to its normal cost of $6.99. Paperback copies of the book are available for $12.99 through Amazon, as well as stores throughout the U.S. A partial list of bookstores and retail outlets is available at EraseNegativity.com.
For those of you who are not familiar with the message in the book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within is a practical guide on how to reduce negativity and embrace happiness. From meth addicts to multi-millionaires, the book offers powerful experiences of individuals who have faced dramatic challenges, but did not lose hope. Using these compelling biographies, as well as practical advice and simple exercises, the reader is guided on an internal journey toward adopting a more joyful way to live.
We pay a heavy price for our negativity and I want to combat that with a free tool that provides a more optimistic alternative. I’m really hoping folks will spread the word and use this window of time to read the book and suggest it to others who are interested in embracing a more hopeful message.
So there you have it. No more excuses. Free book, free video. Kick that grouch out now. But lest I come off too brash or too self serving, I do have one last bit of advice for this holiday season. Try to take a moment and find the love in your heart and send those laser beams of love out to those family members around you – especially those who annoy you. While we might not think so now, there will come a time when they are out of our lives and we will miss them. And more importantly, we do not want to miss the opportunity to summon up a little love and shine a little light in the world.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Harry Potter and the Mysterious Aging Process
I have a confession to make. I love Harry Potter. I’ve read all of the books and watched all the movies. However, while sitting through the Deathly Hallows Part II, I noticed something disturbing regarding the aging process.
It wasn’t the final scene where the Gryffindor trio of Harry, Ron and Hermione flash forward 19 years and assume the lives of middle-aged adults sending their own children to Hogwarts (although Harry, Ron and Draco were very convincing with pot bellies and facial hair.) It was Harry’s departed parents, James and Lily that took me aback.
In the earlier films Harry’s mom and dad appeared as youthful as they did when he was a baby. But in the last of JK Rowling’s stories brought to life on film, Mr. and Mrs. Potter had clearly tip toed into middle age. I mentioned this to my daughter, Alicia. “Aging in the afterlife. Bummer,” she quipped.
I guess no one is eternally young. Not even departed wizards. Our diminishing youth is still somewhat of a shock to my cohorts of Baby Boomers. We were the Pepsi Generation. Weren’t we immune to this aging process? Sadly not.
Youth and happiness seem intertwined. At least that is what a lot of folks think. While I miss my girlish figure and energy, having a more spiritual outlook (which has oddly expanded at about the same rate as my waistline) is worth the tradeoff.
Aging and happiness are common topics in radio shows I’ve done about our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. Here is a typical question and my response.
Q: Do you think people are more prone to negativity as they age?
I think that really depends on the person. If you let transient qualities such as a youthful face and shapely figure define you, then it makes sense that you are going to become depressed as your body ages and changes. And depression and negativity are best buddies. I’m not saying it’s easy to face the aging process. I’m 57 years old and I’ve never heard anyone cheer when they see a new wrinkle on their face or spot a grey hair. I know I don’t. However, I have discovered that if you focus on other attributes, such as pursuing long-forgotten dreams, developing your compassion and creating a more optimistic outlook, than you don’t have to fall into the negativity trap and life will be a lot happier. I don’t look nearly as good as I did when I was 20, but I can honestly say I am a lot happier with who I am.
Everyone wants to be happy, at least in theory. Unfortunately, we often actively sabotage our efforts. That is why negativity, particularly lamenting our lost youth, is not only an exercise in futility, it is downright harmful. None of us will live forever, but we all have the opportunity to infuse more happiness in our daily lives. The good news is we can start right now.
A living example of happiness in spite of aging was recently demonstrated by my friends and team mates from my senior softball team, The Stingers. We recently got together for dinner and a few laughs. These women range from their 50s to 80s. Their youthful spirit exceeds that of many folks that I have met that are decades younger. Each one of my team mates is positive, enjoys life and values friendship (and softball of course!)
When we don our uniforms, slip on our gloves and swing a bat, it’s as if we have our own magic wand granting us happiness in life. And it doesn’t have to be softball. It can be doing anything you love. The key is to find that magical moment and multiple it every day.
I’m not a wizard (although there is a picture of a magic wand on the cover of our book.) But I know we all possess the ability to become happy. The key is put a stop on the negative thoughts, speech and actions that rob us of happiness. Once we keep that internal grouch at bay, we are free to allow delightful moments of joy to multiple and spread like magic.
It wasn’t the final scene where the Gryffindor trio of Harry, Ron and Hermione flash forward 19 years and assume the lives of middle-aged adults sending their own children to Hogwarts (although Harry, Ron and Draco were very convincing with pot bellies and facial hair.) It was Harry’s departed parents, James and Lily that took me aback.
In the earlier films Harry’s mom and dad appeared as youthful as they did when he was a baby. But in the last of JK Rowling’s stories brought to life on film, Mr. and Mrs. Potter had clearly tip toed into middle age. I mentioned this to my daughter, Alicia. “Aging in the afterlife. Bummer,” she quipped.
I guess no one is eternally young. Not even departed wizards. Our diminishing youth is still somewhat of a shock to my cohorts of Baby Boomers. We were the Pepsi Generation. Weren’t we immune to this aging process? Sadly not.
Youth and happiness seem intertwined. At least that is what a lot of folks think. While I miss my girlish figure and energy, having a more spiritual outlook (which has oddly expanded at about the same rate as my waistline) is worth the tradeoff.
Aging and happiness are common topics in radio shows I’ve done about our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. Here is a typical question and my response.
Q: Do you think people are more prone to negativity as they age?
I think that really depends on the person. If you let transient qualities such as a youthful face and shapely figure define you, then it makes sense that you are going to become depressed as your body ages and changes. And depression and negativity are best buddies. I’m not saying it’s easy to face the aging process. I’m 57 years old and I’ve never heard anyone cheer when they see a new wrinkle on their face or spot a grey hair. I know I don’t. However, I have discovered that if you focus on other attributes, such as pursuing long-forgotten dreams, developing your compassion and creating a more optimistic outlook, than you don’t have to fall into the negativity trap and life will be a lot happier. I don’t look nearly as good as I did when I was 20, but I can honestly say I am a lot happier with who I am.
Everyone wants to be happy, at least in theory. Unfortunately, we often actively sabotage our efforts. That is why negativity, particularly lamenting our lost youth, is not only an exercise in futility, it is downright harmful. None of us will live forever, but we all have the opportunity to infuse more happiness in our daily lives. The good news is we can start right now.
A living example of happiness in spite of aging was recently demonstrated by my friends and team mates from my senior softball team, The Stingers. We recently got together for dinner and a few laughs. These women range from their 50s to 80s. Their youthful spirit exceeds that of many folks that I have met that are decades younger. Each one of my team mates is positive, enjoys life and values friendship (and softball of course!)
When we don our uniforms, slip on our gloves and swing a bat, it’s as if we have our own magic wand granting us happiness in life. And it doesn’t have to be softball. It can be doing anything you love. The key is to find that magical moment and multiple it every day.
I’m not a wizard (although there is a picture of a magic wand on the cover of our book.) But I know we all possess the ability to become happy. The key is put a stop on the negative thoughts, speech and actions that rob us of happiness. Once we keep that internal grouch at bay, we are free to allow delightful moments of joy to multiple and spread like magic.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Yapping with the Gap Tooth Diva
For those of you who would rather listen than read, be sure to check out this radio interview with me and the gap tooth diva. This was a fun interview and I think you'll enjoy it too.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gaptoothdivaradio/2011/11/04/erasing-negativity-w-sally-marks-ft-music-by-hero-haya
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gaptoothdivaradio/2011/11/04/erasing-negativity-w-sally-marks-ft-music-by-hero-haya
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