The Stinky Princess

I was watching my two granddaughters a couple of days ago and four-year-old Rosannah was in a bad mood. It was bed time and I asked her to choose a story for me to read to her and her sister. She asked for a couple of books I did not see. I had a feeling it was a stalling tactic to avoid going to bed so I asked if she wanted me to read from a princess book I had recently given her for her birthday.

“I want the one about the STINKY princess!” she demanded.

I knew there was no such book, so I pulled out the traditional and unscented version and decided to improvise.

While stinky scenarios such as farting, stepping in dog poo and pooping in your pants are the kind of comedy four-year-olds love, no one really wants to hear about that behavior in princesses. These classy royal highnesses have an image to maintain after all. Rosannah quickly opted for the “not stinky princess” edition.

That is not to say that Rosannah won’t laugh at a book that features a farting dog, Pepe le Pew or some other odoriferous character, but in my granddaughter’s eyes (and nose) princesses are sacrosanct from fetid bodily emanations. I’m sure the royal diaper changer has another opinion, but I digress.

Fast forward to last night when I received a call from a man I’ll call George. George called on the guise of giving me information, but basically he wanted to complain. He lamented that he wasn’t seeing the results in his life that he expected and whined about how “nothing” in his life was going well. I reminded him of some of his recent victories and how important it was to build and focus on his successes, show gratitude etc, but he wasn’t hearing any of it. In fact, he was intent on pulling out every negative scenario he could think of and regurgitate it to me. I could tell these stories had been turned into internal movies he played over and over and over again.

Although he said he was unhappy and wanted something better, I suspect his actions to achieve his goals conflicted with his desires. Based on how passionate he was about his tales of woe, I had the feeling he relished in his misery. It made me think of how a dog loves to roll around in poop or some other fetid substance. The difference is the dog doesn’t complain about his smelly circumstances. He WANTS to be stinky. They LOVE that smell. Give a dog a bath, let him run in the backyard and he will seek the stink every time.

If you seek a better way, I can offer a better alternative.
In my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, we discuss a few tips on avoiding rolling around in the mud (or worse.) I dub this stinky self flagellated mindset a victim mentality. It is so common that we devoted a whole chapter to it.

Here are a few tips.

•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!

•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.

•Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.
If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!

•Forgive.
Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness, to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.

In conclusion I ask that you follow my granddaughter’s lead. She could have heard a story about a stinky princess (I already had a plot in mind) but she decided to go with the unscented version. Life isn’t always happily ever after, but if you focus on what’s good in life as opposed to what stinks, it makes more sense (and scents) that you will look, feel and smell a lot better.

Victim or Victorious?

I was recently at a Buddhist meeting where George Nakamura quoted a story from Daisaku Ikeda. In this story, Ikeda asked the audience to imagine their biggest dream or heart’s desire was within reach. However, there was a catch. Separating them from their heart's desire was a big river. To make matters worse, there was no bridge, no boat and the dreamer (you) can’t swim. What do you do?

Many of us believe we can just imagine, or pray that the river dries up or changes course. However, how often does that work? Another option is to give up or complain about the situation. It’s a common practice, but does it ever improve the outcome? Ikeda said the answer was you either learn how to build a bridge, learn how to build a boat or learn how to swim.

In our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, there is the story about Chloe, a talented and intelligent physician who stopped short of her goals due to her victim mentality.

A person with this mindset fails to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they blame others for their circumstances. The victim’s list of who to blame is as diverse as the population itself. Common culprits are: race; religion; society; parents; a bad economy; inferior genetics and an unhappy childhood. This mindset is as dangerous as a double-edged sword. The victim not only feels negative about their current situation, they feel powerless to change it. To make matters worse, they also develop an expectation that things will continue to go wrong. You often hear them whine, “bad things always happen to me.” With this expectation of failure and defeat, they actually draw more negative influences into their lives. Coupled with their passive mindset that “nothing will ever change,” they become hapless bystanders in their own lives. It’s as if their life is a car and they hand over the keys for someone else to drive it.

A significant factor in overcoming a victim mentality is to take responsibility for your actions and circumstances. While it may seem difficult at first, in time it is actually empowering. In one mindset you are at the mercy of others. When you take responsibility for your thoughts, actions and environment, you possess the power to change things for the better. While you cannot control all of your circumstances, you can, control your reaction.

Here are a few tips on how to overcome this debilitating mindset:

•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!

•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.
Focusing on negative thoughts and situations is like counting your neighbor’s money. Sure, you can do it (if they allow it) but what good will come of it? It’s not going to increase your bank account one bit, no matter how much time you put into it.

•Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.

If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!

•Forgive.

Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness, to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.

Remember you can learn how to take the necessary actions to build your happiness, or simply let it crumble away. Either way, the choice is yours.

Victim or Victory?

My friend, Chloe sailed through medical school almost effortlessly, much like she had through most of her academic life. A facile mind, love of medicine and compassionate nature seemed like the ideal qualities for the naturopathic physician to begin a successful practice. She passed her boards, gained experience through an externship and set out to make her way as a healer.

However, rather than dive into her profession, Chloe sputtered and hemmed and hawed and found every excuse imaginable to fail. Chloe recognized she had self defeating behavior, but felt she couldn’t control it. Her list of who to blame was long, as were her excuses.

Chloe’s reasoning is not unique. Adopting a victim mentality is common place. Unfortunately, it is not an effective tool for achieving your dreams or improving your health. Most of us want to improve our lives. Sadly, many times we do not because we cannot break free from our own self-defeating shackles of victimhood.

In my new book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, one chapter is devoted to overcoming a victim mentality. Here is a sneak peak at some advice to help erase the victim in your life and embrace victory instead:

• Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?”
• Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.

Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.

Focusing on negative thoughts and situations is like counting your neighbors money. Sure, you can do it (if they allow it) but what good will come of it? It’s not going to increase your bank account one bit, no matter how much time you put into it.

• Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.

If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!

• Forgive.

Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.

So if you are guilty of having a victim mentality (and I did for many years) give the “victim” the boot and embrace a victorious life instead.