Don't Pull My String!

When I was a little girl there was a doll named Chatty Cathy. You pulled her string and there were a variety of phrases she said. I wasn’t too interested in this particular toy, but when Mattel came out with Cathy’s siblings, Chatty Baby and Chatty Brother, I knew I had to mend my naughty ways so the tow-headed babies would be mine for Christmas.

The twin dolls looked exactly alike except Chatty Baby had longer hair than her twin brother. At least she did until MY little sister, Tina, decided the doll needed a haircut. Even as a "doll mother" I was embarrassed that my plastic baby had a crew cut and the golden tresses would never grow back. However, karma being what it is, Tina’s friend, Debbie, found her own pair of scissors and Tina sported a crew cut herself for several months.

Anyway, my chatty twins had a repertoire of about 10 sayings such as “I hungry,” “mama,” “dada,” “you nice” and my favorite, “I love you.” They also laughed and cried. I pulled their little strings and never tired of their chatter. Evil siblings would do things like stutter stop the string mid pull so the babies would change their phrase and say something like “I love…boo hoo hoo.”

I was kind of a frumpy little kid, but my dolls were always well cared for. I brushed their hair, never left them outside in the heat, and they were always decked out in cute outfits. To this day I cannot bear to see a naked doll on the floor. I say the same thing to my grandkids that I did for my own daughters, “Go put some clothes on your baby before he/she catches a cold.” It works too because I’ve never heard so much as a sneeze from the baby dolls.

Unfortunately, my daughters did not share my affection for my chatty baby and her brother. In fact they were scared of the dolls. That movie “Chuckie” ruined the lives of a lot of innocent dolls. Bad Chuckie. But I digress.

As I have gotten older, I realize that I share some characteristics with these loquacious toys. For example, someone says something and rather than really think about a kind and thoughtful answer, the reaction is a knee jerk reply that becomes the equivalent of “go take a hike!” (or worse.)

We have a lot more than 10 automatic responses, but the same ones tend to get used over and over again. Think of the typical response when you are cut off in traffic. One or two words and one gesture usually materialize. The same is also true for sad news. The typical response is something less than heartfelt, such as, “Don’t worry, things will improve.” These banal comments are so hollow you can hear the echo as the words leave your lips.

As a writer I am always trying to think of things to say that can offer a unique perspective or insight. At least that’s the goal. But there are times when it’s as if someone pulls MY string and I make a stereotypical comment. Sometimes words are just too cheap and a friendly ear and a warm hug can say a lot more.

So I’m challenging everyone to try something new. Try talking less and listening more. This is nothing new. More than 2,000 years ago Epictetus said, “We have two ears and one mouth so we may listen more and talk the less.”

I recently purchased the book, “Listening” by Lee Coit. He not only talks about listening to others, but to listen to your own inner wisdom.

There will be times when someone says something and we will be inclined to respond with a cliché. Undoubtedly there will be times when others try to push our buttons or pull our strings.

At these difficult times we all need to remind ourselves to take a deep breath and really listen to what the other person is trying to say. If it is hurtful, dismiss it. If there is some truth to it, listen to your inner wisdom and see if there is a kernel of truth to it that can be used as a way to improve yourself. But most importantly, listen to your inner wisdom. Especially the part that when asked, responds with unconditional love. And best of all, you don’t even need to pull a string to hear it.

Enjoying Tweets Not Twitter

I need to get out more often. I’m a social animal, but it seems like I spend more time with my computer than among the living. That is why it was a treat to come to Red Bluff, California over the recent Memorial Day holiday.

I launched my Northern California book tour and Red Bluff was my second stop. I gave a talk and book signing at Crystal Art & Apparel. Wilma, the owner, organized a wonderful affair, the Red Bluff Daily News ran a press release about the event and the nearby Redding Record Searchlight ran a ¾ -page article on the front page of the Community Section.

As a public relations professional (my day job), free media exposure is my life’s blood. However, the real thrill was being able to talk about my passion of helping people erase negativity. Of course it is also the theme of our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, written by me and my friend and co-author, Jacqueline Howard. By the end of the evening, everyone in the audience bought copies of the book. Some folks bought two books!

Even though I’m comfortable lecturing, I prefer to conduct my talks as a round-table discussion. I believe everyone gets more out of the event if they are an active participant. I learned on the site, The Learning Pyramid, that folks only retain 5% of what they learn from a lecture, but that number increases to 50% when they are engaged in a group discussion. Hopefully these folks will practice what they heard and enhance their retention increase to 75%. Best of all is when they teach someone else what they were taught and use it immediately. At that point the retention reaches a whopping 90%! If more folks do this and learn to erase negativity and teach others about the process, I believe we will see some truly optimistic results!

Since I was out of town, my preparation for this talk was a bit unusual. I decided to walk down a trail leading to the Sacramento River. Since I didn’t have the typical distractions that I have at home, I was able to focus on my surroundings. I did think a little about the talk and the content I wanted to present, but mostly I enjoyed the trees, wildflowers and greenery. Rather than my pre-talk tweeting on twitter, I listened to the chirping of birds and the rustling of leaves on the trees.

During this outdoor excursion I let my soul become immersed in the beauty of the surroundings. Rather than rehearse a speech, I decided to refresh my spirit so I could be totally present to the group. I know my topic, so I wasn’t worried that I’d forget anything important or become speechless. I wanted a little spontaneity regarding the direction the talk would take and the flexibility to change course if necessary. There is no way I could know this until I met my audience.

When I’m in a group where there is an exchange of ideas, I feel rejuvenated. I hope (and believe) the Red Bluff audience felt the same way. By the end of the evening when we formally ended the discussion and went on to bigger and better things (eating the delicious food Wilma had prepared) I felt like I was chatting with old friends.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe speakers should be prepared. I don’t think folks should just “wing it” and not have any regard to the ideas they wish to convey. However, in my case, my message was all about erasing negativity and embracing the magic within. How could I authentically express this concept if I spent more time on how to turn a phrase rather than appreciating the beauty of my environment?

I recently read a sentence in a book that said, “Everything goes back to the beginning.” The same is true with this little story. I feel more like a “human being” rather than a “human doing” when I take the time to enjoy my surroundings and allow a flow of dialogue rather than rehearse a canned speech. Like I said before, “I really need to get out more often.”

Million Dollar Thinking Even When Your Wallet is Empty

I learned a valuable lesson from my three-year-old granddaughter, Rosannah, the other day. My daughter, Alicia, was trying to fix my laptop and it was taking longer than suspected. Why this should be a surprise I don’t know. Do computer problems ever resolve quicker than you expect?

Anyway, rather than sit by my daughter’s side and watch all the technical messages, endless restarts and tapping of F-12 on the keyboard take hold, I decided to take Rosannah to the store. I had planned on taking her younger sister, Briannah, as well, but she was taking a nap. However, I was pleased that Rosannah cared enough about her sister to remind me to include her in our little excursion. The nap took precedence over the outing, but at least Rosannah was thinking of her younger sibling, which is more than I can say about my attitude about my siblings when I was her age.

I’m not going to go into details about what a ratfink I was as a child. If I ever become famous and my brothers and sisters want to write a “Sister Dearest” expose, I don’t want to encroach on their material. But let it be said I was not an ideal sibling. I irritated my oldest brother, Dennis; sold peaks at my older sister, Diane’s diary to her friend, Linda; talked my brother Terry into several misadventures and I forced my little sister, Tina, to recite my attributes based on current lyrics from Hubcap and the Wheels songs. I would sing, “Let’s really hear it for…” then Tina would pipe up, “Sally. She’s worth a million!”
I’ve never outgrown my enjoyment of conditioned-response praise. My daughters, Alicia and Brittany were trained to tell everyone I was 21, even when I was well into my 40s. Both of my grandkids will say “Grandma!” when I ask who is the greatest. Rosannah will exclaim “millions!” when asked how many books grandma is going to sell. I’m not sure how long I will be able to elicit these responses, but I’m going to go for it as long as I can – or until there is another generation of relatives I can persuade.

Anyway, Rosannah and I trotted off to the store. The little tyke, unlike her mother, loves to shop. We stopped at the vitamin store where this ole grandma purchased digestive enzymes. I know, I’m starting to sound like an old fart, but better to sound like an old fart than smell like one. So, in the best interest of my gut and the people around me, I take the digestive enzymes. Rosannah suggested I take the dinosaur vitamins like she takes. She seemed genuinely sad when I told her they didn’t make dinosaur vitamins for grownups. Sigh.
The toddler behaved like a champ, so I decided to make an unplanned trip to Target. I was hoping to find a reasonably priced piggy bank so the girls can learn how to save money. Rosannah has an old wallet of mine and sometimes I give her small change to carry. She likes holding this wallet and having her own money - even if it is only 12 cents and she usually loses it in minutes.

Rosannah was attracted to the Hello Kitty shirts, but I pointed out how the best place to shop is the clearance rack that is a little off the beaten track. Rosannah quickly found a floral-print dress. It is not a style I would ever pick, but she seemed convinced that it would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe. I pointed out a stripped t-shirt that was only $2.86. Rosannah said that the shirt would be a fine gift for Briannah, but the dress was definitely a good choice for her. She didn’t whine or carry on. She just seemed so sure of herself that I had to concede. Besides, the dress was only $5.99 and it DID look cute on her.
We went to check out and Rosannah was going to show the cashier her money. When she opened it, her wallet was empty. No doubt the 12 cents was lost in the parking lot. The cashier joked that his wallet looked that way too. Grandma used her credit card, made her $8 purchase and the cashier gave Rosannah a sticker for being such a good girl. After the prompted “thank you” Rosannah asked for another sticker for her sister. The cashier (and the shoppers in the line behind us) were impressed that a little tyke would be so considerate of her little sister.

Whether it is a sticker, a t-shirt, or going on a trip with grandma to the store, I was impressed how my little granddaughter is so quick to think of the needs of someone else. She doesn’t put the needs of others before her (a big problem with a lot of women I know) but she does consider the merits of considering the needs of others.

In my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, there is one chapter on developing compassion and several chapters on how we need to learn how to erase the abuse we direct at ourselves. The average person has 40,000 to 65,000 thoughts a day and a whopping 95% of those thoughts are negative. We may not be able to control others (although we will keep trying to do it anyway) but we CAN control ourselves.

So in conclusion, let’s try to be generous toward ourselves and others. A kind word, a smile and a compassionate act can go a long way toward paving a happier future for ourselves and others. Do it today and you’ll find you’ll feel like a million, even if you don’t have a penny in your wallet.

Victim or Victorious?

I was recently at a Buddhist meeting where George Nakamura quoted a story from Daisaku Ikeda. In this story, Ikeda asked the audience to imagine their biggest dream or heart’s desire was within reach. However, there was a catch. Separating them from their heart's desire was a big river. To make matters worse, there was no bridge, no boat and the dreamer (you) can’t swim. What do you do?

Many of us believe we can just imagine, or pray that the river dries up or changes course. However, how often does that work? Another option is to give up or complain about the situation. It’s a common practice, but does it ever improve the outcome? Ikeda said the answer was you either learn how to build a bridge, learn how to build a boat or learn how to swim.

In our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, there is the story about Chloe, a talented and intelligent physician who stopped short of her goals due to her victim mentality.

A person with this mindset fails to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they blame others for their circumstances. The victim’s list of who to blame is as diverse as the population itself. Common culprits are: race; religion; society; parents; a bad economy; inferior genetics and an unhappy childhood. This mindset is as dangerous as a double-edged sword. The victim not only feels negative about their current situation, they feel powerless to change it. To make matters worse, they also develop an expectation that things will continue to go wrong. You often hear them whine, “bad things always happen to me.” With this expectation of failure and defeat, they actually draw more negative influences into their lives. Coupled with their passive mindset that “nothing will ever change,” they become hapless bystanders in their own lives. It’s as if their life is a car and they hand over the keys for someone else to drive it.

A significant factor in overcoming a victim mentality is to take responsibility for your actions and circumstances. While it may seem difficult at first, in time it is actually empowering. In one mindset you are at the mercy of others. When you take responsibility for your thoughts, actions and environment, you possess the power to change things for the better. While you cannot control all of your circumstances, you can, control your reaction.

Here are a few tips on how to overcome this debilitating mindset:

•Don’t blame others for your problems.
Lose the victim mentality and take responsibility for your life – bumps and all. Life is not something that is handed to you, it is something you create. Adopt a proactive approach that shifts from “What can I get?” to “What can I contribute?” Next time you find yourself wanting to point a blaming finger at someone else, take note of your hand. While your finger and thumb may be pointing at someone else, three fingers are pointed right back at you!

•Align yourself with people, situations or organizations that can help put you on a successful path.
Ask yourself, “What am I focusing on?” If it’s not positive, redirect your thoughts.
Focusing on negative thoughts and situations is like counting your neighbor’s money. Sure, you can do it (if they allow it) but what good will come of it? It’s not going to increase your bank account one bit, no matter how much time you put into it.

•Take responsibility and find ways to succeed.

If people put more energy into solving problems instead of whining about them, all of our lives would be easier. When Thomas Alva Edison was experimenting with the correct filament for his light bulb, he was unsuccessful more than 1,000 times. Rather than becoming discouraged he is quoted as saying, “We now know a thousand ways not to build a light bulb”. What an enlightened concept!

•Forgive.

Victims are often shackled by their inability, or unwillingness, to forgive others or themselves. Harboring resentments, even those that seem justified, do not help the situation. In fact, it makes it worse. Corrie Ten Boom said, "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.” We cannot change the past. Forgive others, or yourself, and move on. Your heart will be lighter and you will be able to pursue happier endeavors.

Remember you can learn how to take the necessary actions to build your happiness, or simply let it crumble away. Either way, the choice is yours.

Great Eggspectations

Today is Easter. My sister, Tina, had the family over for a delicious lunch. Easter wasn’t always an annual gathering, but now that we are older we find more reasons to get together. It’s’ fun to see a new generation enjoy the holiday. My granddaughter, Rosannah, age 3 and her 22-month-old sister Briannah enjoyed their Easter baskets and the search for colored eggs.

My great nephew, Thomas, who is only 3 ½ months wasn’t so sure what to think of the folks at this gathering. His apprehension will dissipate with time, or grow exponentially when he realizes these strange folks share some of his DNA.

Thomas seemed to enjoy looking at his two great toddler cousins who sat in front of his baby seat and gazed at him in amazement. I’m sure it was somewhat comforting to see other little people who were more his size. However, little Thomas has no need to be worried. We’re a height-challenged family so he’ll probably tower over us before he starts kindergarten.

Part of the fun of Easter is the delight children have finding Easter eggs. Each discovery is the source of great excitement. In Rosannah’s world, everything is an adventure. Briannah wasn’t as thrilled with the egg hunt, but took advantage of the game to sneak rolls from the table and stuff them in her mouth. Everyone’s treasure is different.

The point is, at some point in our lives we lose this child-like wonder where miracles happen, to expecting the worst out of life. When I’m interviewed about our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, I often say I think the worst thing that can happen to anyone is to lose hope. That is why my friend and co-author, Jackie, wrote the book. We wanted to help people erase the negativity staining their lives and provide tips to help them enjoy life again – perhaps like we did when we were children and still believed in the Easter Bunny. Here is an excerpt from the book to help you on your journey.

Getting Started

To begin with, you must be ready to do the work. If you cannot, then try again a few days, weeks, or months later. Even small steps can be beneficial. The payoff is that once you can make the commitment to try, you will experience a subtle change in your mindset. In time your new outlook will have an enormous impact in your life, as well as your environment.

Rather than turning your focus on fixing someone else, you must look inward. This is not only limited to behaviors, but how you perceive yourself. You’ve heard it a million times, but it really is true. You need to learn to love yourself. You may think you do, but look at your words and actions. How do you treat yourself? Do you say negative things about how you look, act and think?

It is essential that you stop all critical self talk. Self negativity puts a grinding halt to success and happiness. Every time you say a disparaging remark about yourself your subconscious soaks it up like a sponge. Your brain cannot distinguish between self ridicule and an offhand “I was just kidding” remark. Whatever you say or think, the brain just takes it in. It’s a big “yes” machine. If you say, “I’m stupid,” it writes the “Yes, I’m stupid, program.” If you declare, “I will never be happy,” the message becomes fact and you will never be happy. The irony is that it isn’t your enemies who fling the majority of these toxic statements about. You do it to yourself.

If you had a magic genie that would give you what you want, what would you wish for? Would your wish be a bad marriage, constant pain and a cruel boss? Of course not! Then why give those messages to yourself?
Your wishes, good, bad or indifferent, become your brain’s programming. So why not try for something that will bring you joy? That does not mean that everything wonderful you wish for will instantly become reality. But if you surround yourself with positive thoughts and begin a course of action to achieve the things you want in life, you will move your life in a happier direction.

Please remember, nothing happens overnight. Erasing negativity takes effort, but the rewards are tremendous. So try to begin the process by shifting your focus on what is wrong to what is right about your life. Pardon the Easter pun but it all starts with great eggspectations. Happy hunting.

A Pain in Spain

I had to follow my own advice the other day. A hacker figured out my password and sent emails to dozens of my contacts asking for money. Apparently the scam details how I was off in Spain, lost my wallet and needed $3,000. I contacted yahoo, changed my password and have been responding to folks that I’m okay and not to fall for this scam.

Ironically, folks who know me thought this was odd for several reasons:
A: I’m not the type who would jaunt off to Spain and not tell people about it.
B: I would not be emailing people I barely know to ask for a loan. People I know well wouldn't fall for it either. My younger brother, Terry, instantly knew it was a scam because he jokingly replied that I would know better than to ask him or my siblings for money.
C: I would never type a message with such a flagrant disregard of grammar and spelling. I see that assessment as a positive. Some folks might think I could go off to Spain and not tell anyone. I think everyone who knows me realizes I could lose my wallet. But NO ONE believes I would compose a poorly constructed message. I see that as a compliment to my expertise as an author and public relations professional. I’ll take my kudos however I can.

Whenever something goes wrong with my computer or email it is a major nuisance. At the very least it is a gigantic time-sucking experience. However, as the co-author of a self-help book on how to erase negativity, I thought I’d have to come up with a few “silver linings” from this unfortunate email-hacking episode.

One is I have heard from my friends, family members and acquaintances to see if I am okay. Others simply alert me that my email was hacked. Either way, it was nice that people cared enough to check on me.

My brother-in-law Paul joked that I was probably being held ransom in a flamenco bar in Spain and forced to drink mojitos and that drunkenness was the excuse for the pathetic spelling and grammar. This scenario made me think of a potential plot for a script or story. At the very least it made me appreciate Paul’s humor.

This ordeal was annoying, but not life threatening. I’ve had some less than charitable feelings about the hacker, but it’s time to repair, reflect and move on.
The point is that bad things happen at times.

In the preface of my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, I wrote:

It is impossible to go through life without encountering difficulties. From a baby’s first cry to the last dying breath, the human experience involves a series of struggles. While encountering challenges is an inherent part of life, it is not so much the problems, but the attitude you take while facing these difficulties that shapes how you view the world.

I’m not going to lie and say I face every obstacle with a smile. However, one thing I have learned is that dwelling on unpleasant events do not make them go away faster. If anything they act like a magnet to draw even more negativity into your life.

It takes practice to develop a happier mindset. It’s not something you can do once and say you’re done. It’s an attitude you will have to work on every day for the rest of your life. However, as you continue to do the work it will become easier.

Someone hacked into my computer but I chose not to let them ruin my day. On the contrary, it’s been an enlightening experience. One friend said she immediately began praying for my safety. For others we share a long postponed chat. For those of you who may still get the scammer's request for assistance, please disregard it. I’m not in Spain. I am in full possession of my wallet and I am fine.

But if you want to send me a kind thought or a prayer, I will happily accept that.

The Story of the Ham

Have you attempted to break family patterns (like improving yourself by going to college) and met with resistance? Perhaps you developed an innovative approach to solve a problem at work only to be told “That’s not how we do things here.” If so, don’t despair. Here is a little story in honor of Easter to help shine a new perspective on old habits. It’s taken from our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. In honor of Easter, anyone who contacts me directly through the blog or my website, www.erasenegativity.com before the end of April 2011 and orders the book will receive free shipping and handling.

It was Easter and four generations of the Smith family were preparing for a holiday feast. Emily, a young bride, carefully watched her mother as she pulled out all the utensils and ingredients for the special meal. Emily knew that one day it would be her turn to prepare the feast, and when she did, she wanted everything to be perfect. Emily’s mom plopped the ham on a cutting board, slicing off the front and hind portions of the ham before putting it into a roasting pan.

“Why do you cut off the ends like that?” Emily asked, expecting some culinary insight.

The mother crinkled her eyebrows in thought and put the knife down.
“I don’t know. I guess because that’s how mama always did it,” the mother answered. Emily thought about the response, but she seemed unsatisfied.
“Grandma’s here. Maybe we should ask her,” suggested Emily. Emily’s mother nodded okay, and the two women walked into the dining room where Grandma was setting the table.

“Mom is showing me how to cook the ham and I was wondering why you cut the ends off,” began Emily. “She said that’s how you always did it, so she did the same.”
Grandma adjusted the silverware next to her best china, wiped her hands on her apron, and thought a moment.

“You know, I never really thought about it,” she answered. “That’s how your great grandma always did it, so that’s the way it’s always been done.”
At that moment, Emily’s brother wheeled Great Grandma Smith into the house. Emily, her mother and her grandmother walked over to the matriarch, gave her a kiss on the cheek and wheeled her next to the dining room table. Emily patted her great granny on the arm and bent next to her so she could hear her question.

Mom, grandma and I were in the kitchen getting ready to cook the ham and we had a question. Why do you sliced off the ends of the ham before you put it in the roasting pan.”

“Hmph,” snorted the old woman. “I cut off the ends of it because my dang roasting pan was too small.”

Student of Happiness

I returned to my alma mater today. I gave my spouse, CB, a ride to school. Instead of grabbing a cup of coffee, I chose to hang out near the music building and use the venue to write. I spend a lot of time in my home office, so sometimes it’s helpful to have a change of scenery.

I graduated from community college in 1985. It was an 11-year process for me to earn a two-year degree. I’m sure many folks thought I’d never finish. But, if I am anything, I am persistent. Once I moved on to Arizona State University it took me three more years to earn my Bachelor's degree in journalism. In total, it took me 14 years to earn a four-year degree. However, in my defense, I gave birth to both of my daughters, worked part time and still kept up with my responsibilities of being a wife, parent and volunteer.

If I had gone to school full time during that period and concentrated on medicine, I could have done something more prestigious, like become an orthopedic surgeon. Instead of wielding a scalpel, I have a pen and computer. I do not have a MD after my name, but I am a healer of sorts. That is why I decided to co-write the self-help book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. My co-author, Jackie, and I saw people in pain and we decided to do something to help.

It all started when Jackie and I were discussing some of our favorite self-improvement books and how they had helped us. Then the conversation shifted to people we knew who were in terrible emotional pain and very negative because of it. We wondered, “What would it take to help someone like that?” We brainstormed and decided that there needed to be some sort of primer, or “read this first” book that could help them erase their negativity. Then once they were no longer entrenched in negativity, they could go on and enjoy the optimistic messages in other books. Our thought was that if a person doesn’t erase their negativity first, any optimistic front would just fall apart.

I’ll be honest, sometimes ongoing education is a pain. After my marathon process to earn a Bachelor’s degree, it was years before I wanted to park my butt on one of those uncomfortable little wooden desks and listen to a lecture again. But I did. I also learn in other ways such as webinars, reading, attending lectures etc. Like it or not, we are always learning new things. Sometimes we continue the educational process by replaying old, negative messages about our past. That is about as useful as studying for a urine test. But I digress.

Whether or not you are in a classroom, learning is a life-long process. For instance, Jackie and I chose to focus our energy on the topic of erasing negativity. Why? Because negativity is a killer of happiness, a robber of the spirit and the best friend of despair. No one is born negative (although I’ve met some crabby babies.) Pessimism is a habit we learned. The good news is we can take steps to erase negative thoughts, speech and actions and concentrate on replacing those nasty tendencies and replace it with more empowering alternatives.

That is why I’m reaching out to individuals to offer a free, 30-minute phone consultation to the first five individuals who qualify for this offer (yes I make you fill out a form, but it is not a big deal.) Please contact me through my blog, www.erasenegativity.blogspot.com, website, www.erasenegativity.com or email me at MarksPR@cox.net and let me know if you are interested.

Forget about the old cliché about you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. There is no time like the present to begin a new journey toward a happier, magical life. I look forward to hearing from you. Now go home. Class dismissed.

Where Seldom is Heard a Discouraging Word

My senior women’s softball team, The Stingers, scored another victory over the weekend. I was especially happy because it was the first time my daughter, Alicia, and my two granddaughters, Rosannah and Briannah, watched me play.

Rosannah, who is three years old, seemed thrilled to see so many women wear the same shirt they have seen grandma wear. It’s bright yellow and has a bee with a softball bat in its hands. Rosannah knows the bug is a bee. Little Briannah, who is 20 months, insists the bee is a flower. Disagreeing with her is like arguing with an umpire, so I just nod and smile when she points to the little buzzer and says “flower.” I know for sure she doesn’t think I smell like a flower, particularly after a game. But I digress.

Rosannah is a very good mimic. I encouraged her to say “Go Jo!” when our third baseman went out to the field. She gave a shyer “Yeah Sue” to another teammate and “Hit it hard Betty” when Betty, our 82-year-old right fielder was up to bat. After a great defensive inning, I ran in from left field and heard Rosannah say, “Go Stingers!”

I think it was one of the best games our team has played. Our infield managed two double plays. The pitching and catching combo performed like a well-oiled machine, and the outfielders made some terrific catches. Even when our opponents hit the ball so hard that this old grandma had to chase the ball to the fence, I managed to get the ball to our rover, Karen, who made a fantastic throw and threw the batter out at home plate. Everyone, and I mean everyone, played an awesome game.

We don’t get a lot of fans at our games and it is always fun when we do. I can’t say that we won because my family was there, but it didn’t hurt. I think it is especially nice to hear someone sing our praises, even if it’s shouted by a tyke who still wears a diaper.

The Stingers have some of the most supportive women in the league. Our star players not only help their own teammates, they coach players for the Senior Olympics. Many of the women who receive this sage advice play on opposing teams. More than once a formerly weak batter has gained knowledge from a Stinger, then went on to use their new skills and sting us with a well hit ball over our heads! However, I would be lying if I didn’t say that we love to see all the women succeed and improve.

Which brings me back to the point I’m going to make, which, of course, has to be a plug for my book. This is MY blog after all. In my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, we put a lot of emphasis on erasing negative thoughts, speech and actions and replacing it with more empowering alternatives. For instance, rather than self-punishing thoughts such as “I’m too fat,” when you gain a little extra weight, why not say, “I love how I feel when I make healthy choices?” Eventually the brain gets the message and our behavior will match our kinder thoughts and words.

That is not to say that there aren’t times when we have to give, or swallow, constructive criticism. If we want to improve, we have to be open to helpful advice. When you are the one offering suggestions, it is best to come from a place of compassion, not arrogance. When you are on the receiving end, it is best to remember the advice is meant to help, not hurt. If the person IS trying to hurt you, it is best to remember that their cruel intent is a reflection of their insecurity, and let it fall away like water off a duck’s back.

While criticism is sometimes necessary, words of praise and support are always welcome. Whether it’s an encouraging word from a seasoned ballplayer, or a toddler who likes to parrot her grandma’s suggestions, people blossom with praise. Wait a minute, I just had a thought. People BLOSSOM with praise. Little Briannah always points to the bee on my uniform and insists it’s a flower. A flower is a type of blossom. Maybe she has been trying to deliver a deeper message than I previously thought.

Whether my granddaughter is a wise philosopher, or just fueled an interesting idea, here is my parting lyrics you can sing to the tune from Home on the Range.

“Oh give me a home, where the old ladies roam, and the Stingers and another team play. Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word, cuz our hearing aids aren’t turned up all the way. Home, home on the field. Where strong bats and good thoughts anneal. Where seldom is heard a discouraging word, cuz praise makes us happy all day.”

Root, Root, Rooting for the Home Team Gal

I was a happy, little ballplayer the other day. I hit the game-winning run in softball on Valentine’s Day. My team, the mighty Stingers, edged out the Fountain of the Sun team 7 to 6. While this may not seem like a news story worthy of ESPN, it was a big deal to me, and of course to my team.

We had a healthy advantage throughout the game, but our opponents chipped away at our lead until they had a breakthrough inning and scored enough runs to tie the game. The bottom of our batting order took up the challenge. Carol got a hit, followed by Deanna. Connie, who bats last in the lineup, smacked a nice shot and her pinch runner, Carla was safe at first. Now there were loaded bases and two outs.

I came up to bat and knew the pressure was on. I do my best when there are no runners on base. I play on a senior women’s team (for ladies 50 years and older) and a lot of the women cannot run that well due to past injuries. I can usually trot down to first base in a timely manner (especially when my teammate Karen screams “RUN!” like the fate of the world depended on it.) However, when there are runners on base I not only have to make sure that I get on, but that I don’t get the other runners out.

I walked up to the plate feigning more confidence than I felt. I generally take the first pitch to get a feel for things (and pray the pitcher will screw up and walk me.) Of course the pitcher’s first attempt was right across the plate. Darn. Then she tossed a couple of balls. The next pitch looked inside, but it wasn’t. Another strike. Now the count was 2 and 2. My hopes of walking and letting one of the stronger batters in the lineup take my place was quickly evaporating. When I have two strikes I’ll usually swing at anything that isn’t rolling on the ground or sailing over the backstop. She pitched the ball and I hit it. I took off to first base. I didn’t even stop to see where the ball went (it’s a bad habit I’m trying to break.) I got to first base and Shirley, the first base coach, gave me a congratulatory hand slap and said the game was won.

It was an important victory for the team as we had not been doing so well. We beat the team with the worst record the game before, but prior to that we had lost 9 straight games. Ouch. Unfortunately I was not able to bask in glory during the post game celebration as I had to pick up my spouse, CB, from the airport. However, our team manager and star player, Mary Lou, gave me a victory sucker (the candy type.)

So why am I telling you this story? Although I am happy to have come through for my team, the real message is about perseverance. I have never been, nor am I now, a great ball player. However, I do try to focus, give it my best, and make efforts to improve. At an age when a lot of folks would hang up their glove and move to safer past times, I am determined to succeed where I failed in my youth.

The same is true of the negative mindset I adopted for far too many years. I not only chose to reprogram my thinking, I decided to write about it. While co-authoring the book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, I interviewed several people who faced adversity and overcame it. The stakes were a lot higher than a recreational softball game. Some folks were abused, or abused themselves, businesses went bankrupt and other businesses were rebuilt. One mother dealt with the death of her only son, and a daughter tried to overcome the tragedy of her mother’s murder.

The book is a practical guide on how to reduce negativity and embrace happiness. From meth addicts to multi-millionaires, the book offers powerful experiences of individuals who have faced dramatic challenges, but did not lose hope. Using these compelling biographies, as well as practical advice and simple exercises, the reader is guided on an internal journey toward adopting a more joyful way to live.

Life is not about winning all the time. It’s about getting up after you’re down and trying again. So if you, or someone you care about needs some help erasing negativity, please visit www.erasenegativity.com. If you email me at MarksPR@cox.net and let me know you read this blog, I’ll even autograph the book and throw in free shipping as a bonus. I want to help others, but it still makes me feel good to know there are folks out there who read my articles and are rooting for my success as well.

Looking for a Bridge Over Troubled Waters

I was chatting with Kristen Tews on a recent radio interview of Personal Best (http://www.wkrs.com/ or set your radio dial to WKRS 1220 if you live in the Chicago area) and we discussed the importance of having good and supportive friends.

When we are facing difficulties, such as loss of a job, a natural tendency is to find someone to commiserate with. “Misery loves company” is not only an old saying, it seems that a lot of folks turn to this as deep wisdom. Unfortunately, that advice (for lack of a kinder word) sucks.

I would like to offer this analogy. If you abandoned a sinking ship and climbed aboard a life raft that was also sinking, are you going to swim to a life raft that also has a hole in it, or are you going to climb aboard one that is more seaworthy?
Negativity is like a cold – it’s contagious. When your mood is down it is best to find someone who will elevate your mood, not hold your hand while you sink to the bottom. While it can sometimes be comforting to know that others face similar problems, it is more productive to learn how someone who endured a similar problem and OVERCAME it.

In our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, the importance of mentors and good friends are key components in erasing negativity. Here is an excerpt on choosing good friends and mentors.

When evaluating friendships ask yourself the following questions:

“Does the person display good qualities such as honesty, integrity and consideration?”

“Are they selfish and self serving?”

All friendships experience a give and take of needs, but if you find you are the one doing all the giving, especially in the beginning of the friendship, it is best to step back and access the situation carefully. Often good-hearted individuals get sucked into an unhealthy alliance with a charismatic friend. Unfortunately, most of these individuals have learned to prey upon the kindness of others and are only interested in what they can take – be it time, money or favors. It is better to walk away from these people right away before you get emotionally involved.
“Do they talk critically about others behind their backs?” If so, chances are they will do the same about you.

“Are they cheerful or cynical?”

Not everyone can be genial all the time, but someone who is consistently cynical operates on a lower vibration energetically, and if you spend a great deal of time with them your mood will be affected.

“Are they trustworthy and loyal?”

Remember that one’s actions speak louder than words. If a person says they are loyal, but demonstrates qualities that show they are otherwise, consider the actions, not what they say as the true barometer of their character.
Tammy D’Antonio, one of the individuals interviewed in Chapter 4 of Erase Negativity, outlined the following goals to help improve her financial situation:

1.Set goals.
2.State your intention.
3.Take action.
4.Have faith.
5.Always keep moving.
6.Never be defeated.
7.Always strive for something bigger than you!
8.Have humility.
9.Love.

Rather than engaging in the “misery loves company” mindset, Tammy suggests the following to keep an optimistic and empowering viewpoint:

•Set goals, write them down and review them every day.
•Seek out positive role models.
•Substitute negative behavior (such as watching television or depressing movies) and replace it with a few minutes of reading motivational books, listening to motivational tapes, or attending inspirational meetings or events.

Additional tips can be found throughout Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. The bottom line is sympathy may seem comforting, but it is rarely the call to action that is needed to overcome difficulties. When I was a little girl and asked my father for sympathy (usually after a poor performance in sports) he’d always say, “You know where you’ll find sympathy in the dictionary? Between sh** and syphilis.”

Not exactly poetry, but dear old dad had a point. When you are in a sinking ship, don’t whine with the doomed, align yourself with those who have learned how to stay afloat. And once you have mastered that, be sure to be a lighthouse so you can guide others who are trying to find their way through troubled waters.

Attracting Meeyons!

I have been a student of the Law of Attraction for a few years now and it still astounds me how a small shift in thinking can have such dynamic results. I’ve been crazy busy trying to get the word out about my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, as well as get it into stores. There were times when I felt I was trying to open doors by pounding my head against them. It’s no wonder I have migraines.

I’ve sold and given away about as many of my books as I could to friends and family and now I’m faced with the fact that I now have to sell books to people who don’t know me. Of course this is going to be difficult. That is what everybody says, right? Even though I know the message in the book is desperately needed, there is that little nasty little insecure part of me that thinks the only people who will buy this book are people who feel obliged to do so because they know (or feel sorry) for me.

What a bunch of crap!

Most of the time I know better than this, but every once in a while my brain pulls out insecure garbage from the recesses of my brain and taunts me with old messages of unworthiness. In the past, I would listen to these messages. Heck, I invited them in and turned up the volume. I added new twists to my story of woe. It’s like watching the History Channel, except the history is my own short comings.

Now I change the channel and focus on more optimistic messages. And guess what? I’m being invited to speak to new audiences, stores are asking for my book, and perfect strangers are plunking down their hard-earned cash to buy a copy or two.
Today, two stores, SW Herb (www.swherb.com) and Dragonstar Gifts (www.dragonstargifts.com) bought copies of my book and plan to keep it in stock.

Before I was out of the first store, one woman picked up my book and started asking the owner about it. The customer loved the cover and talked about how she was sure she had seen the book somewhere. A part of me was thinking, “Oh she is mistaken.” But then I thought, “Duh, Sally, you have been pounding the pavement, airways, internet and everything else about this book. Don’t you think someone is going to recognize it?”

Of course my granddaughter, Rosannah, who is 3 years old, always points to my book and says “Grandma’s millions.” She can’t say erase negativity, but she likes the word millions (pronounced meeyons) and concentrates on that. Ah, the kid still wears a diaper but she knows that the word millions is much more positive than negativity. No one has trained her that you have to bust your butt, bang your head or cry a river of tears to be successful in life. In Rosannah’s world, Grandma is going to sell millions of copies of her book and that is that.

We grownups (or anyone old enough to read this) all experience problems. But what about the extra roadblocks we throw in our own path when we have self-defeating thoughts such as “I’m not good enough to be happy, successful etc, because (fill in the blank.) When we have these kinds of thoughts is it any wonder that we aren’t achieving our dreams?

Of course my co-author, Jackie, and I wrote the book to help people erase their negativity. We lived through our own issues and wanted to share what we learned on embracing optimism. We also need to remind ourselves that erasing negativity is an ongoing effort.

Anyway, every time I had doubts that I would be able to sell the book, I concentrated on the importance of the message, and not on all the naysayers who assert that it can’t be done. Guess what? It’s working. People are buying the book, reading it and spreading the word that there are simple tools that can help erase negative habits.

So here is my message for today. Concentrate on the gifts you can share with the world. Whether it’s a song, a book, a painting or simply a smile, you can make a difference. One by one we can erase the negativity in our lives. Perhaps one day life will be more like it is for Rosannah who doesn’t grasp the meaning of negativity, but knows that when she talks about “meeyons” she can make everyone in the room smile.

Also, if you get a chance, be sure to watch me on AZTV on Monday, Jan. 31 from 9 to 10 a.m., or watch for the clip on my website, www.erasenegativity.com.

Let Yourself Go!

I love fall. Every year I imagine feeling the cool, crisp autumn air on my face and gazing at trees as they burst into glorious colors of red, orange and gold. This is not an easy feat as Arizona is as apt to be warm than not – even in November. Most of the leaves turn brown, not gold, and fall onto the ground without fanfare.

But this year was different. My spouse, CB, and I decided to go to the Boyce Thompson Arboretum with the two grandchildren, Rosannah and Briannah. The girls are pretty young (3 and 19 months respectively) but I knew they would enjoy an excursion. We drove the 45 minutes to the arboretum and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. Once we were at our destination we saw golden leaves of Aspen, the red leaves of the Pistachio trees, as well as the sights, smells and sounds of autumn.

I make frequent trips to this site, but this time it was the most beautiful I have ever seen it. Of course it was even more special because CB and I were sharing it with the girls.

We navigated through the hilly terrain (it’s hilly if you are pushing two tykes in a double stroller), as well as over bridges and a narrow pathway alongside a stream. It was gorgeous. Once we arrived home my daughter asked her girls what her favorite part of the trip was. Her answer was not of beautiful sites (although she did talk about a beautiful house that we thought looked like a castle and had the possibility of a princess living there.)

Rosannah was excited that she peed in the potty. The toilet training has been a bit slow, but this was a significant feat because she has never used a public toilet before. Try saying “Pee pee in the public potty” five times fast. But I digress.

The fact is most of us get a shot of self esteem when we accomplish something significant. The temperature was deliciously cool, the air fragrant and the colors magnificent, but the one thing that Rosannah accomplished on her own was the potty peeing procedure.

Now most of you reading this are not going to brag about going to the bathroom by yourself. It’s something we take for granted (except when camping when I thank the heavens for flushing commodes.) But this was a new experience for my 3-year-old granddaughter.

So I have a challenge for all of you. I propose you go on a negativity diet and bolster your self esteem by eliminating some negativity from your life. This is no small matter. Reducing your negativity can increase your happiness and improve your health. Why? Consider this.

• The average person has 40,000 to 65,000 thoughts a day and 95% of those thoughts are negative.

• Developing a happier mindset can increase chemical reactions that can calm anxiety, relieve depression, promote alertness and increase enjoyment.

• Happy people are 35% less likely to get a cold and produce 50% more antibodies in response to flu vaccines than the average person.

• Individuals who score high on happiness and optimism scale have reduced risk of cardiovascular disease, hypertension and infections.

• People who maintain a good sense of humor (an indication of inner happiness) outlive those who don’t. No wonder so many comedians live well into their 80s and 90s.

In our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, we offer tips on how to erase negativity from your life. I will also be writing more about the subject in future blogs.

If you haven’t had a chance to buy the book, it’s available on Amazon, or by contacting me through the blog, or emailing comicsall@gmail.com.

So don’t hang onto that negativity any longer. Be like Rosannah and enjoy the feeling of letting yourself “go” and sending the stinky stuff into the toilet where it belongs.

Grouchy Relatives Beware!

Grouchy relatives beware.

Sally Marks, author of the self-improvement book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within will give a talk, “How to Cope with Grouchy Relatives During the Holidays” and sign copies of her book 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. Wednesday, Nov. 17 at Mystic Moon Bookstore, 7119 E. Mercer Lane in Scottsdale.

The fee is $10 per person for those who prepay and $15 at the door. Following the interactive talk Marks will sign copies of her book. Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within is available at the bookstore for $12.99.

“Grouchy relatives can be a burden during the holidays, but there are few simple tips that can help restore family harmony,” said Marks, an Arizona native and public relations expert. “The book is also a great holiday present.”

Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within is a practical guide on how to reduce negativity and embrace happiness. From meth addicts to multi-millionaires, the book offers powerful experiences of individuals who have faced dramatic challenges, but did not lose hope. Using these compelling biographies, as well as practical advice and simple exercises, the reader is guided on an internal journey toward adopting a more joyful way to live.

Mystic Moon Bookstore is a New Age store that specializes in New Age books, CD’s and music, over 36 varieties of incense, Tarot Card decks, smudge sticks, crystals, jewelry, small ceremony bags and much more. For a calendar of events or more information visit www.mysticmoonbookstore.com or call 480-443-0136.

For more information about Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within and Author Sally Marks, call Marks Public Relations at 480-664-3004.

An added note: I know this is shameless self promotion, but this, after all, my blog. I hope a few of you will see this and attend. I'll probably have a new item to write about after the talk.