Independence Day and the Pursuit of Happiness

Today is July 4th or Independence Day in the USA. One of my favorite phrases in the Declaration of Independence is: “Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” I am not alone in my admiration. Wikipedia states that this line is considered by some as one of most well crafted, influential sentences in the history of the English language.

It is ironic that we Americans are one of the richest nations in the world, we enjoy freedoms that others can only dream about, we have boundless opportunities, yet most of us are unhappy. We may be in “pursuit” of happiness, but actually achieving it seems a frustrating and elusive endeavor.

My friend and co-author, Jackie and I believe that negativity is at the root of most folk’s misery. We wanted to do something to reverse this pessimistic trend so we wrote a book entitled Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. This self-improvement novel IS a good start toward embracing a happier life, but it doesn’t have ALL the answers. In fact Jackie and I do not have all the answers either. However, I’m always open to learning more about creating a joyful life.

That is why today’s article focuses on a conversation I had with my friend and Myoho Sister, Karen. Karen and I are both SGI Buddhists. Through the years we have encouraged one another. On July 3 we were leaving a meeting and Karen shared some guidance that she read from our organization’s International President, Daisaku Ikeda. It had to do with winning and losing. We all have goals we want to achieve whether it is landing a job, overcoming health issues or finding the perfect mate. In my limited thinking I had previously believed I only “won” when I achieved my goals. Through the years I have won some and lost some. A valuable lesson that Karen shared with me is it is not the goal so much as defeating the elements in my life that are preventing my happiness that should be my true objective.

In Buddhist philosophy obstacles to our happiness are not the circumstances but the mindset and actions we take. When we engage in defeatist thoughts, speech and actions we are letting our internal negativity (or innate darkness) take over. This negativity can take various forms. For some it may be laziness, guilt, greed, pride or anger. Others may choose a numbing experience and turn to a temporary fix such as alcohol or drugs. None of these tactics bring true happiness.

Another way to circumvent joy and traipse down the road of misery is to place your happiness exclusively on attaining a specific outcome.. That is not to say that we should not have goals. I’m a firm believer in them. However, the real trick is finding out what is stopping us from becoming happy and working to eliminate that faulty thinking and behavior.

For instance, I have a goal to pray each day. Since I’m Buddhist, my prayer is chanting the words Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. I do this religiously, but the sincerity, length of time etc fluctuates. In my faulty thinking I have thought that I’m only a “good Buddhist” if I chant a lot and what I’m chanting for comes true. We call this actual proof. When I’m unsuccessful (which is often because I have a lot of things I want to achieve) I feel like I finished last in the human race.

However, my friend Karen reminded me that a true victory is making the effort, not achieving the result. Every time I pray, write, exercise or do any of the things that infuses a little joy in my life, I am victorious. After all, I could be watching television, eating chocolate, or taking a nap, but instead I am making an effort. In essence, at that particular moment I am victorious over one of my weaknesses – laziness. Rather than focus on guilt on what I should be doing more often, I should rejoice that I have defeated my lazy nature (for the time being) and I am victorious in the moment. Unfortunately there are times when I’m making progress, but rather than rejoicing in my efforts, I let guilt or other unseemly thoughts enter my brain.

No one is perfect. No matter how hard we try at various things, we cannot always have the result we want. However, we can celebrate our positive causes. The more we rejoice, the more we will WANT to make the effort. It doesn’t matter if these positive efforts are two minutes a day or 12 hours. Every good action is a start toward a happier existence.

In conclusion, I invite all of you to engage in a different type of independence day. Take a holiday from guilt. Instead, make efforts toward your pursuit of happiness. But remember the message Karen reminded me about from President Ikeda. Real joy stems from defeating your inner darkness and letting your happiness shine through no matter what your circumstances bring.

Huzzah and Aha Moments

I have a sneaky ploy I practice with my two and three-year-old granddaughters. I dislike picking up puzzle pieces and I don’t like to harass them into orderly behavior, so we make a game of it. After we connect the cards of the Match Game, we take each piece and put it back in the box through a little slot on the top of the box. As we insert each bit we give an enthusiastic “huzzah!” There are probably 50 pieces so we say a lot of huzzahs.

This weekend I had a similar experience on an adult level. I attended a three-day transformational life coaching workshop at the Southwest Institute of Healing Arts (SWIHA) in Tempe. Instead of “huzzah” I found myself experiencing a lot of “aha!” moments that gave birth to new insights into my life, soul and journey.

The purpose of a life coach is to use an open, non judgmental and spiritual approach to help the client tap into their own inner wisdom. The intent is not to fix or judge, or even tell the person what to do. This is the opposite of what I thought a coach did. When my public relations firm was in its infancy I worked with a business coach to increase my client base. It was helpful, but I did not develop anything transformational – personal or professional. I learned a few tips about which places would be good sources for new clients. I’m sure I learned other things too, but I can’t remember.

In retrospect, the “broken entrepreneur” approach did not address the core of who I was or what I wanted to do and be. It is no wonder that the sessions provided limited value. However, the Life Coach Workshop at SWINA helped me identify and work with my core values. Life Coaches help their clients in the same way. There are more components to the workshop than this, but that is the nugget I want to share with you today. I encourage you to visit the school’s website at www.swiha.edu to learn more.

Whether it is in my professional capacity as an author or a public relations expert, I spend a lot of time behind a computer. This is ironic because I am a social animal who enjoys the company of others. However, I do need a certain amount of “alone time” to generate ideas, get my work accomplished and relax. I’m pretty empathetic, so I do have to be careful to not absorb the energy and emotions of others. That is probably one of the reasons my friend and co-author, Jackie, penned our self-improvement book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within.

There is a lot of negativity in the world. Unfortunately it can gnaw on a person’s soul like a cancer. If it were self-contained it would be malicious enough. However, it is also like a contagious disease and can easily spread and infect others.

One of the discoveries I made this weekend is one of my core values is to “be of service.” I believe my life’s purpose is to help others. I embrace this approach in my public relations business, but I also feel a strong compulsion to spread the word about erasing negativity.

I don’t want to sound self righteous. Battling negativity is something I address every day. I am optimistic, but that doesn’t mean my life is without obstacles, problems or the occasional (albeit brief) lapse into pessimistic thoughts, speech and actions.

A personal analogy is my teeth. My mother grew up very poor. One day a woman came to their elementary school and talked about the importance of brushing their teeth. My mom came home and announced to her mother that she needed a tooth brush. My grandmother was sympathetic, but they barely had enough money for food, and a toothbrush was a luxury they could not afford. Eventually my mother got a job and bought herself a toothbrush for herself and the other members of her family.

Unfortunately, tooth decay is a progressive disease, and while she was able to prevent further decay, a lot of damage had already been done. Mom suffered with dental issues the rest of her life. However, after she married and had children of her own, she made sure we went to the dentist for annual cleanings. She was mild mannered about a lot of things, but when it came to brushing our teeth she was like the Gestapo. The result is all of my siblings and I have beautiful choppers. We may feel crabby from time to time, but there is no physical reason that we cannot show off our pearly whites. Our dentist, Dr. Duane Wirth (the son of Leo Wirth, the dentist we saw when we were children) always comments that the Marks have stellar teeth. Of course that comment elicits a smile as well.

I believe all of us could enjoy a happier life if we learned to recognize our negativity and take steps to reduce it. Defusing negativity is like brushing our teeth. It takes daily attention, but can become second nature with time.

All of us deserve a happy life. If you, or someone you care about, battles negativity, I hope you will consider reading or purchasing a copy of our book. Perhaps you may also want to work with a personal coach. There is nothing more exciting than experiencing an “aha” moment. Or, if you prefer, you can borrow my tactics with my granddaughters and shout “huzzah!” each time you erase negativity and replace it with a positive action.

A Pain in Spain

I had to follow my own advice the other day. A hacker figured out my password and sent emails to dozens of my contacts asking for money. Apparently the scam details how I was off in Spain, lost my wallet and needed $3,000. I contacted yahoo, changed my password and have been responding to folks that I’m okay and not to fall for this scam.

Ironically, folks who know me thought this was odd for several reasons:
A: I’m not the type who would jaunt off to Spain and not tell people about it.
B: I would not be emailing people I barely know to ask for a loan. People I know well wouldn't fall for it either. My younger brother, Terry, instantly knew it was a scam because he jokingly replied that I would know better than to ask him or my siblings for money.
C: I would never type a message with such a flagrant disregard of grammar and spelling. I see that assessment as a positive. Some folks might think I could go off to Spain and not tell anyone. I think everyone who knows me realizes I could lose my wallet. But NO ONE believes I would compose a poorly constructed message. I see that as a compliment to my expertise as an author and public relations professional. I’ll take my kudos however I can.

Whenever something goes wrong with my computer or email it is a major nuisance. At the very least it is a gigantic time-sucking experience. However, as the co-author of a self-help book on how to erase negativity, I thought I’d have to come up with a few “silver linings” from this unfortunate email-hacking episode.

One is I have heard from my friends, family members and acquaintances to see if I am okay. Others simply alert me that my email was hacked. Either way, it was nice that people cared enough to check on me.

My brother-in-law Paul joked that I was probably being held ransom in a flamenco bar in Spain and forced to drink mojitos and that drunkenness was the excuse for the pathetic spelling and grammar. This scenario made me think of a potential plot for a script or story. At the very least it made me appreciate Paul’s humor.

This ordeal was annoying, but not life threatening. I’ve had some less than charitable feelings about the hacker, but it’s time to repair, reflect and move on.
The point is that bad things happen at times.

In the preface of my book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, I wrote:

It is impossible to go through life without encountering difficulties. From a baby’s first cry to the last dying breath, the human experience involves a series of struggles. While encountering challenges is an inherent part of life, it is not so much the problems, but the attitude you take while facing these difficulties that shapes how you view the world.

I’m not going to lie and say I face every obstacle with a smile. However, one thing I have learned is that dwelling on unpleasant events do not make them go away faster. If anything they act like a magnet to draw even more negativity into your life.

It takes practice to develop a happier mindset. It’s not something you can do once and say you’re done. It’s an attitude you will have to work on every day for the rest of your life. However, as you continue to do the work it will become easier.

Someone hacked into my computer but I chose not to let them ruin my day. On the contrary, it’s been an enlightening experience. One friend said she immediately began praying for my safety. For others we share a long postponed chat. For those of you who may still get the scammer's request for assistance, please disregard it. I’m not in Spain. I am in full possession of my wallet and I am fine.

But if you want to send me a kind thought or a prayer, I will happily accept that.

Looking for a Bridge Over Troubled Waters

I was chatting with Kristen Tews on a recent radio interview of Personal Best (http://www.wkrs.com/ or set your radio dial to WKRS 1220 if you live in the Chicago area) and we discussed the importance of having good and supportive friends.

When we are facing difficulties, such as loss of a job, a natural tendency is to find someone to commiserate with. “Misery loves company” is not only an old saying, it seems that a lot of folks turn to this as deep wisdom. Unfortunately, that advice (for lack of a kinder word) sucks.

I would like to offer this analogy. If you abandoned a sinking ship and climbed aboard a life raft that was also sinking, are you going to swim to a life raft that also has a hole in it, or are you going to climb aboard one that is more seaworthy?
Negativity is like a cold – it’s contagious. When your mood is down it is best to find someone who will elevate your mood, not hold your hand while you sink to the bottom. While it can sometimes be comforting to know that others face similar problems, it is more productive to learn how someone who endured a similar problem and OVERCAME it.

In our book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within, the importance of mentors and good friends are key components in erasing negativity. Here is an excerpt on choosing good friends and mentors.

When evaluating friendships ask yourself the following questions:

“Does the person display good qualities such as honesty, integrity and consideration?”

“Are they selfish and self serving?”

All friendships experience a give and take of needs, but if you find you are the one doing all the giving, especially in the beginning of the friendship, it is best to step back and access the situation carefully. Often good-hearted individuals get sucked into an unhealthy alliance with a charismatic friend. Unfortunately, most of these individuals have learned to prey upon the kindness of others and are only interested in what they can take – be it time, money or favors. It is better to walk away from these people right away before you get emotionally involved.
“Do they talk critically about others behind their backs?” If so, chances are they will do the same about you.

“Are they cheerful or cynical?”

Not everyone can be genial all the time, but someone who is consistently cynical operates on a lower vibration energetically, and if you spend a great deal of time with them your mood will be affected.

“Are they trustworthy and loyal?”

Remember that one’s actions speak louder than words. If a person says they are loyal, but demonstrates qualities that show they are otherwise, consider the actions, not what they say as the true barometer of their character.
Tammy D’Antonio, one of the individuals interviewed in Chapter 4 of Erase Negativity, outlined the following goals to help improve her financial situation:

1.Set goals.
2.State your intention.
3.Take action.
4.Have faith.
5.Always keep moving.
6.Never be defeated.
7.Always strive for something bigger than you!
8.Have humility.
9.Love.

Rather than engaging in the “misery loves company” mindset, Tammy suggests the following to keep an optimistic and empowering viewpoint:

•Set goals, write them down and review them every day.
•Seek out positive role models.
•Substitute negative behavior (such as watching television or depressing movies) and replace it with a few minutes of reading motivational books, listening to motivational tapes, or attending inspirational meetings or events.

Additional tips can be found throughout Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within. The bottom line is sympathy may seem comforting, but it is rarely the call to action that is needed to overcome difficulties. When I was a little girl and asked my father for sympathy (usually after a poor performance in sports) he’d always say, “You know where you’ll find sympathy in the dictionary? Between sh** and syphilis.”

Not exactly poetry, but dear old dad had a point. When you are in a sinking ship, don’t whine with the doomed, align yourself with those who have learned how to stay afloat. And once you have mastered that, be sure to be a lighthouse so you can guide others who are trying to find their way through troubled waters.

Filling in the Gap Between Success and Failure

There is a unit of time that does not have an official name, but it is a crucial link between success and failure. It is the time between “wanting to do something” and actually doing it. As a youngster, this time period was often prefaced by, “When I’m a grown up.” Later it evolved to “When the kids grow up” or “When I have more time”.

I’ve always been pretty good at meeting deadlines, at least as an adult. I have all my unforgiving journalism professors to thank for that. But when it comes to unofficial deadlines, the game can get a bit trickier. After all, life doesn’t always come with the motivation of a good grade, or the threat of a nasty editor.

I don’t like to think of myself as lazy, or even as someone who procrastinates (more on that later – ha ha). Yet, life threw me a little reminder that I could turn my refrain for “I’ll do it another day” to a life of sloth if I didn’t change a few habits.

A case in point.

I had feng shui practitioner Lisa Montgomery perform her skills and knowledge to enhance and increase the positive qui of my home. One of the cures to prevent negative energy from hitting my happy abode included placing a bagua (a yellow, wooden, octagon with a mirror in the center) over my garage door. The street comes to a T right in front of our driveway, and that can throw a bit of negative vibes our way. This little bagua has been perched in its location for quite some time. Then one day we had a nasty wind storm and the bagua, like Humpty Dumpty, had a big fall. Fortunately nothing was broken. All I had to do was put it back up on its little perch.

However, I was on my way out, so I just picked up the bagua, put it on my spouse’s truck, and vowed I would return the feng shui device when I came home. Of course, I did not return the bagua to its resting spot. I’m vertically challenged and I knew I would have to get the ladder out to accomplish this feat. And it was cold and rainy. “I’ll do it another day,” I told myself. Several days passed and I still hadn’t replaced the bagua.

I thought about the little bagua every day. I even fretted over it a bit. Yet, there it sat on the hood of CB’s truck. As each day passed, I noticed it got increasingly difficult to perform this task. It took on a life of its own. What would’ve been a simple, five-minute task became a real drain on my psyche.

Then one day I pulled in the driveway and noticed the bagua once again. I felt myself grimace as I thought about the task in front of me. “I’ll do it another day,” I thought. Then I stopped myself. “Why am I putting this off?” I asked. “It’s not cold or rainy. I do not have a pressing deadline. The only reason I’m not doing this is because I’ve let my brain turn this little task into a monumental feat.”

So I opened the garage, took out the ladder and put the bagua back to its spot above the garage door. It was done in less than five minutes. Angels didn’t sing the hallelujah chorus and I didn’t feel a surge of positive energy, but the task was done. My only thought was “Why did I wait so long to do this?”

I remember a bit of advice that I learned. When faced with multiple tasks, always do the most unpleasant chore first, then the rest is easy.

It also made me think of the mentors chapter or “I’ll Get By With A Little Help From My Friends” section of my self-help book, Erase Negativity and Embrace the Magic Within.
The following excerpt is an anecdote Entrepreneur Tammy Dantonio cites from her encounter with her mentor, Tony.

“Tony was always so motivated and I’d ask him how he did it,” said Tammy. “He would create these characters. He called them Mr. Positive and Mr. Negative. He said he’d lay in bed in the morning, not wanting to get up. He said Mr. Negative would tempt him stay in bed saying, “Tony, sleep. Sleep is good. Sleep, Tony. Sleep.” But then he would pantomime Mr. Positive cheering him on to jump out of bed and face the day. He said often, Mr. Positive and Mr. Negative would have words with one another. Often times, Mr. Positive would have to kick Mr. Negative’s ass. It was a funny motivator, but it worked for him and it works for me. It’s not always about goodness and light. Sometimes you just have to grit your teeth, throw back the covers and kick Mr. Negative’s butt.”

The same is true of closing the gap between “thinking about doing something” and taking action. Whether it’s pursuing a dream, starting an exercise program, eating better or mowing the lawn, procrastination is not your friend. Think about Mr. or Ms. Positive and doing what it takes to close the gap between success and failure. Now go out there and kick some butt!